I feel like I say that phrase entirely too frequently. Someone asked me at work this morning how it was going, and that seems to be my typical response. And, well, it’s true. It really is SSDD. Thank you Stephen King’s Dreamcatcher for that wonderful phrase.
Anyways, here begins Day Two of the vow to myself to jump-start getting over my writer’s block. Would you call it writer’s block at this point? I feel like I’m in writer’s hell to be honest; everything that seems to come out isn’t any good.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.” – FDR
“99% of the time, writer’s block is nothing more than fear. You’re afraid you’re out of ideas. You’re afraid your best work is behind you. You’re afraid that you’re a phony. You’re afraid that you’ve exposed too much of yourself, or not enough. You’re afraid of failure. You’re afraid you’re not the genius you wanted to be when you started.”
(http://www.thecreativepenn.com/2011/11/30/cure-writers-block/)
I think this pretty much sums up everything going through my head right now. I know I’m a good writer, I’ve been told that I’m exceptional and have a gift, but then I sit down and want to write and all I can think about is how everything that I’m writing isn’t quite cutting it, that it’s not good enough. Will what I have to say ever be good enough? Even now, as I’m laying here writing this, I feel like this is pointless. A useless attempt to cure someone, who maybe, at this point, is just all dried up. Maybe there is nothing left.
Maybe I should stop whining and just write.
It really is a fear, a fear of inadequacy. But, as anyone who knows me would say, I don’t back down from a challenge, and this is just another wall to scale. Every letter forms a word, every word combined into a sentence. These seemingly pointless sentences slowly build into a paragraph, and then this short, miniscule paragraphs become a blog. And then I post it for the rest of the world (or maybe just myself, aha!) to read, and hopefully relate to on some level.
I think that’s what I want most out of my writing, to find and attain a sense of relatability (I know it’s not word, oh well). I want to read this five years from now and still relate to my younger self.
I think, what I want most out of everything, and it is something I’ve said for a very long time, is to be successful. I don’t necessarily want to be successful in the sense that I have a big business, lots of money, fame, etc etc. I want to be successful in following and achieving my dreams. I want to gain true success in my life, to find fulfillment. I’ve always been a dreamer. Everyday my head is usually so far in the clouds that people have to pull me out of my silent reveries.
But it’s time to stop dreaming, to stop wishing and hoping and waiting. It’s time to take that first initial baby step forward, and reach out, and even though I might fear failing or still being inadequate, I’m going to reach with all of my might. I might slip, stumble and get bruised along the way, but if there is one thing I know for sure, I will achieve my dreams.
And this, this blog, this moment and these words, are that first initial baby step. No more looking back, from this point onward I am looking only forward. I have the confidence, desire and drive to find everything I’m looking for. So here goes nothing…
Word Disorder 