Happy 2018: Myself

As I round out my 7-day trip through 2017, I had a hard time thinking of a final thing to be thankful for.  And then it hit me like a ton of bricks:


When I consider everything I’ve been through in the last year, and how I’ve managed to continue pushing through, I have to be really thankful and appreciative of who I am as a person.

Life enjoys throwing curve balls my way, and I’ve become quite an expert at dodging them.  I could get into nitty-gritty details, but that would spin this back around into a negative.  And that’s a place I don’t want to go.

So I’ll leave it as this:

I am strong.  I am smart.  I am adequate, I am enough.  My world does not revolve around the choices or actions of others.  I am my biggest fan and my best friend.  There is no one I would rather be at the end of the day besides myself.

And for that, and many other things, I am eternally grateful.


You choose to be happy

Sometimes I get into the bad habit of going through all of the what-ifs in my life.  What if I had done this differently, what if I had said this differently.  I think it’s a bad habit, because at the time we said and did those things because we thought it was in our best interest.  Hindsight really is a wonderful thing, but I don’t think there’s any point in dwelling on it.

So when I saw this prompt, asking about Fear, I was interested.  But then I saw ‘would your life be better or worse than it is now?’ and it got me thinking back to all of those what-ifs.

Fear has controlled a really large portion of my life, for a very long time.  I have been very afraid of a lot of things and it has affected my ability to interact with people.  Sometimes I like to think that if things had been different, if I hadn’t been afraid, that maybe by now I would have a great job, maybe a family and be well on my way to achieving my most important goal: being successful.

But then I look and I remember where I am, and for a split second, I get upset.  It really is my fear that has led me down the path that I started on… but now I’m no longer wandering thoughtlessly, letting my fear guide me.

So, if I had to live a life without fear up until now, I like to think that I would still be kind of doing what I’m doing now, just maybe having achieved this step in my life a little bit earlier.  But I’m not disappointed or upset with my decisions that have led me to where I am now.

I am a firm believer in fate, and that every door that has closed has been working to open the doors I’ve gone through.  In all aspects of my life, I truly believe that fate is leading me to where I need to be to achieve my dreams.  I have gone through every trial and test always telling myself that it was happening for a reason.  I think maybe it’s this hope that has allowed me to get here.

I let my fear control so many different portions of my life, especially my fear of failure and rejection.  I have always been really afraid of trying something new for fear that I wouldn’t be good at it.  I stayed at my old job for 7 years, even though I hated it more than anything else in the entire world.  My fear of rejection and really fear of getting close to people has kept me single for practically my whole life.  Sometimes I get lonely and upset, but then I remember that I can play video games until 3 a.m. and do whatever I please without having to worry about anyone else.  Eventually I’d like to find the person who fits right into that lifestyle and it’s not too much of a change to invite someone into my life.

But, I finally found my courage and left my fear behind last year when I made the decision to come to Japan.  For so long I had let my fear about moving/starting a new job/possibly losing friends keep me from doing what I really wanted to.  But then, I realized, I’m really the only support I have.  No one else is going to really consider my feelings in any situation, and quite a few people made that clear to me.  So I finally mustered up all of my courage, applied and eventually moved over here.

Would my life be different if I hadn’t let fear control my decisions?  Sure.  I’m I upset about the way things have played out, certainly not.  Everything happens for a reason.  And at the end of the day, I’m happy.  And I truly think that’s all that matters.


Daily Prompt – Fearless Fantasies

How would your life be different if you were incapable of feeling fear? Would your life be better or worse than it is now?