As I sit here in the laundromat, I’m having a million different thoughts. For the first time in as long as I can remember I’m all alone. It’s caused a lot of different feelings and thoughts.
The most important one I’ve come to is that I am wholly responsible for myself. No one else is, just me. I’ve always been surrounded by friends, I should really consider myself very fortunate to have such amazing people in my life. They’ve always been there… a room away, a 5 minute drive away or even a short plane ride away. Now, my closest friend is an hour by expensive bullet train and I don’t even have the time to visit.
I’m alone but not unhappy about it. I was at first, I spent days crying because I didn’t know what to do with myself. This couldn’t have come at a better time though, because its forced me to wake up and smell the coffee. I can’t rely on those around me for my happiness. And I’ve done that for so long I realized I don’t know how to make myself happy. I always expected someone else to do it for me.
I’m sorry to those in the past who I’ve relied on too much. Thank you for always putting up with me and supporting me and being there when I needed you. I know being my friend isn’t a walk in the park, but I thank you for sticking by me all this time.
In the past, I’ve always wanted to blame the other person when things went sour. “I’m the perfect friend, how could it be me.” Hahahaha. I wish I could reach back into the past and slap myself around a little bit. While it may not have been all my fault, I certainly had a hand in how things turned out. More than a hand, more like a thigh or whole leg, because I could never see my own faults, only those of other people.
Being alone has given me the opportunity to really learn about myself and know who I am. It’s only been about a month now, but I’m sure as each day continues to march forward I’ll learn even more new and fun things about myself. I’m actually quite excited.
Bring it on, life. I can handle whatever you throw at me.