Things have been pretty quiet over here… and this time I have a reason.
I took a ‘leave of absence’ from pretty much every thing in my life. I checked out.
I’m still checked out. But, I’m going to try and get some help.
I have been thinking about this all day… what I would say, how I would say it, how to describe every thing I’ve been going through recently.
But just simply explaining it, and giving details, I don’t think that’s enough.
So I want to tell a story, paint a picture. That’s the first step.
Well, really, I think the first step is admitting to myself that I’m depressed.
It feels both good and bad to get that off my chest. There are so many more things I want to talk about, but I’m afraid to even write the words down. Every thing… in due time.
For now, I need to sort through the laundry list of things I keep ignoring, pushing to the side, putting on the shelf.
I thrive on being independent, on not needing any one else. I stopped going to therapy a long time ago because I felt I was capable of handling my own depression.
And for years, I was ok. But now, being in a totally new environment, cut off and feeling more alone every day, it’s too much. I can’t handle these overwhelming feelings anymore. It’s taking all of my energy and strength to get out of bed in the morning and make it through the day.
I’m going to take the rest of November off (haha, like blogging is my job) and maybe December. I think about blogging every day, but I have no energy to do it. Maybe it’ll be good to force myself to do it… maybe I need that push, but the desire to do anything has been consumed by this feeling. There’s nothing left but sleep and work.