It’s 3 a.m., I should be in bed, not up writing. I just finished my glass of milk, I feel like a child again. I want to tuck myself in, but my mind won’t shut off.
Getting back to the roots, back to the reason I started in the first place, creative expression. Here we go again. Headphones on, lights off, let’s do it.
When I look in your direction I don’t know what to think. In the beginning it was easy, you were just another person. I don’t know what happened, I don’t know how it happened, and I definitely can’t explain how it happened… but it did. And I can’t control it now and that terrifies me. So I put up the walls, push you away as viciously as I can… a part of me doesn’t want you here… but the majority of me does. Prove me wrong, show me that you care. Do you care? I wish you would give me a concrete answer.
I can hear the waves crashing in the distance, but the sound is drowned out by your voice. I want to tear my eyes away from the sea, to look only at you, but my shame makes me look anywhere but you.
When I compare the two of us, put us side by side, I don’t understand how in hell it could ever happen. What could there be about me, to catch someone like you? These things torment me constantly, every day, every moment I’m in your presence.
I can breathe when you’re not around, but the air tastes stale. When I’m near you, I feel like I’m slowly suffocating. I’ve never been good at expressing or feeling emotion, I prefer to bottle it up and to show the opposite. The more I fall for you, the more bitter I become. It’s not attractive, and I know that, but I can’t help it. Years upon years of bad habits have finally caught up with me and now I don’t know how to change it. I want to change it, but I don’t know if it would be for any good.
When the fire dances across your skin, I have to resist the urge to touch you, to just place my hand in yours. I don’t know where these feelings are coming from, but they’re here and I can’t stop them now. I don’t know how much longer I can ride this wave… you know I can’t swim. If I start to drown, will you save me?
I’m a walking contradiction… I say one thing, I do another, but I really mean to tell you that I think I’m falling for you. I wish I could pull you aside and just say this to you, but that’s just a pipe dream. Knowing, understanding and loving myself has taught me that there are just some things that I can’t do. I can talk myself up, give myself all the courage in the world, but the fear of rejection, the fear of alienation, the fear of overstepping that boundary causes me to keep my mouth shut.
When you take away all of the sarcasm, all of the anger, all of the pain… all that’s left is just a scared and lonely girl. But I never show her to anyone, because they don’t deserve to see her. She lies inside, slowly rotting as every thing continues to slip through my fingers.
When I look at you, I see life and freedom and happiness… and when I look at me, I see pain and sadness and a cage… I like that think that maybe seeming so opposite actually means that it would be for the best… but then I realize I don’t want to do that to you. You don’t deserve something so broken and hopeless… Someone so carefree and loving should be with someone who can match that. Could I do that? Am I capable? I feel so helpless all the time, so broken, so incapable.
I’m sorry for everything. I’m sorry I’m always so confusing and impossible to understand. But, most of all, I’m sorry that I’ll never say anything to you about it. These feelings, just like so many others, will die inside, as another piece of my heart shatters into dust.
This post compliments of today’s Daily Prompt:
Ready, Set, Done – 10 minutes. You and your keyboard (or smartphone. Or tablet. Or pen and paper). No pauses, no edits, no looking back: it’s free-write time!
Also, inspired by this song. This is my favorite Adam Lambert song.