I really want to shake people sometimes, and say this to them until it settles into their minds.
Yes, there is something awe-inspiring and beautiful about being able to share every aspect of your life with another person.
But there’s also something beautiful in being able to be on your own, without having to rely on other people.
As human beings, we can’t help but hurt each other it. Sometimes we do it intentionally, most of the time it’s unintentional. But, it happens.
Now, let me address the reason I’m writing this. It’s not to justify my single-status by any means, it actually stems from my dating experience.
I promised myself when I restarted blogging seriously that I was going to be brutally honest with myself. No more holding back for fear of hurting someone’s feelings, or out of fear what other people might think. And I think this is going to be the first step in that direction.
I downloaded a few dating apps when I got over here. I’ve never really had much luck meeting people because I’m very shy and it’s hard for me to talk to people. And most people who meet for the first time share the same impression, ‘bitch.’
But that couldn’t be farther from the truth. Because of many past problems and a horrible marriage example from my parents, I’ve learned to keep every one at an arm’s length away. It got to the point in high school where I was so used to people being my friend while it was convenient for them and then leaving me that I became numb to the whole process. How did I go numb? I learned never to really let anyone truly in, to always hide at least 5% of my true self away. And I do that even now, which is where a lot of my depression and loneliness stems from. I want to let people in, I want to connect and understand and be there, but there’s always something holding me back.
But that’s really a story for another day. I have many things I’d like to address about friendships since I’ve been through many of them. Again, another day, haha.
Back to my original thought, I want people to understand there is nothing wrong with being single. There is nothing wrong with me, this has merely been my choice for a long time.
So, here’s my story: I downloaded a dating application on my phone and started using it. It can be challenging because half of the people just want to have sex and the other half usually want me to teach them English. Every once in a while you might find a nugget of gold, but so far I haven’t found anything but coal.
I started talking to this one guy, and the first thing he told me was that he was sad. I naturally responded with, ‘why?’ And he said, because he was single.
I was shocked, but I quickly learned that this is actually normal behavior. He was shocked when he asked me if I was sad because I was single and I told him no.
He asked me why and I replied with, “I’ve always been ok on my own so it actually doesn’t really bother me.”
He comes back with, “so you do not need a man.”
To which, I of course responded with, “I don’t NEED one but it would be nice to have someone to share my life with.”
This really is a sad mentality that people have, that being happy is directly linked to being with another person.
How can you truly be happy in a relationship if you can’t be happy on your own. People who jump from one relationship to another make my head spin. Do you even know who you really are, or do you just change yourself to fit into the next relationship?
I really wish that people would take the time to sit back and get to know themselves. I’d like to say this to my Mother as well. For someone who has been in relationships almost her whole life, do you even know who you really are anymore? Or are you just looking for the next person to shack up with? Spend a year on your own… rediscover the things that make you happy, understand that you control your own destiny, it should never be directly linked to another person.
Because, as I mentioned earlier, we always hurt one another. Intentional or not, it happens. If you can’t be happy on your own, how can you even imagine making another person happy? Can you be yourself with that person if you don’t even know who are you?
I’ve spent a long time on my own. It has been my decision for a long time. I had two very brief relationships with the same person, but those barely count as a blip on my radar. They were great memories, and the more I reminisce on them I can really see the beauty and honesty in him. But, I have no real experience. I thought at 25 this would make me upset, but it really doesn’t. Some days I get a little down about it, but then I remember that I can come home and act however I want without another person there to bother me.
Sometimes I think relationships are just that, a bother. I have to share every thing with another person… my thoughts, my space, my food, my life. Am I willing to share all of that with another person? Am I ready to let go of my single-hood and take the plunge?
The nice thing about having been alone for so long is that I am really confident in myself. I know who I am, what I want out of life and what I need to do to achieve those things. At this point in my life, if I were to add a relationship on top of everything that person would have to fit themselves into my already structured life.
Now, that’s not saying I’m not willing to mold myself for another person either, though. Finding yourself and discovering who are you is an amazing thing, but it doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t be open and willing to move things around a bit if you do meet that person you can’t imagine your life without.
Of course, we think we meet that person every other day, but I believe that when it’s actually ‘the one’ we’ll know. Not necessarily some sort of divine sign, but rather that feeling you get when they look in your direction, receiving a message from them, etc.
Maybe one day I’ll meet that person. I’ve certainly had my share of people that I’ve liked over the years, but nothing has ever really worked out. And I’m ok with that. At the time it sucks… you spend your days flirting with a person, hoping that maybe one day you’ll both realize that there’s something there, for everything to crash and burn around you. But even these experiences can help you to better understand who you are and the kind of partner you’re looking for in life.
So, I guess, what I want to really say is: Just because I’m single doesn’t mean I’m not happy.
I have never once thought that my life was lacking in any way. Because this is an honest decision I made for myself, and for every one else I come into contact with. It takes a lot for me to let people in, to see the majority of who I am. And sometimes, it can scare people away. But I think I’ve finally gotten to the point in my life where I’m happy enough with who I’ve become and the progress my life has taken, that I’m ready to actively seek someone.
If I meet my soul mate, I have no doubt I’ll settle down, have kids and build a life together.
If it doesn’t work out, and I end up single at 40 with 3 rabbits, I’ll still be happy. Because, there is nothing wrong with being single.