Confessions

In keeping with the LOTR theme, I wanted to delve into the real reason why I’m so obsessed with the LOTR universe.  And also offer up the explanation to my username, that dozens of people have asked me about through the years.  This is a confession I’ve held in for a long time, not a lot of people know this.  It’s not necessarily something to be ashamed of, but it’s usually a part of myself that I keep, well, to myself.

It all started when the first LOTR movie came out, the Fellowship of the Ring.  I was just barley 13 years old, a freshman in high school.  And I became massively obsessed with role-playing online.  It was really the first big thing I learned about on the internet.  And I fell in love almost instantaneously.

I remember watching the movie for the first time, and being fascinated.  Both my mother and brother had read the book before, but I had no idea what it was.  They took me to watch the movie and something just clicked.  I had always loved Elijah Wood, but I knew it wasn’t just his character in the movie, but the whole thing.  So, I got home, hopped online, and looked for the role-playing forum of the website I was on.

I was horrible at first.  I had never done anything like this before, and I was 13.  I sounded like a 13-year-old.  I knew I was horrible, a Mary Sue, but I quickly found a group of friends online (all of us from all-over the globe) that accepted me for all of my horrible role-playing flaws, and began to encourage me.  This is really where my writing ability grew leaps and bounds.  I began to recognize what cliches were, and how to actually illustrate something with words, rather than typing it out bit by bit to convey the same message.

They were the group that gave me my nickname, blinksan.  I had some sort of _blinklvr_02_ username (I was 13, alright) and they shortened it to Blink.  Everyday I was greeted with Blink, Blinkers, until finally, someone used Blinksan.  And it has stuck ever since.

I quickly found myself on these role-playing boards everyday.  I created my own character (I felt I just couldn’t do the actual characters from the novel justice) and had a lot of fun.  We’d go on random quests for no purpose, hang out in the Shire for a day, or trudge up the sides of Mt. Doom to destroy the ring together.  It was in these moments that I really felt the pull of writing and the fantasy world.  We began to create different worlds, and I expanded into other fandoms and began to role-play in the x-men universe, among others.  (It was a while ago, my brain is faulty!)

Back to the creation aspect; some people were simply amazing.  They would illustrate these beautiful worlds from just a couple sentences, and all of a sudden there I was, sitting on the grass, watching as my own character interacted with everyone else.  We created something that was ours, something that was special.  And after a couple years, my writing ability was honed into the talent I have today.  I really feel that if it weren’t for those few years role-playing I really wouldn’t be able to craft the pieces I have.  I gained something invaluable from those years, a real skill.  It’s one thing to have all these glorious ideas; I’ve always had them.  It’s a different thing to be able to write down what’s in your head in such a way that it’s like everyone else is reading your mind.  That’s a gift.  And one I plan to use for the rest of my life.

There ‘s this beautiful world inside of my head, just begging to come out.  At this point, it’s almost like it’s threatening to come out.  With this blog, I’ve slowly started to chisel away at the plug that sits deep in my creativity.  For years, I’ve been stunted, unable to produce anything.  I’ve had writer’s block, or so that’s what I’ve said.  I just really haven’t had the desire to let anything escape.  But now, with each word that appears in this screen, I feel another strike of the hammer.  A deep, resonating sound fills the space between my ears and travels down into the depths of my soul.  And bit by bit, the plug crumbles away… every so often, a bit of colorful flair, a sense of my old creativity bleeds out, gracing page, sitting and waiting for the rest to come tumbling out.  And as I continue everyday, the process quickens, until one day, I know it will break free, the plug with finally disintegrate into dust.  I’ll draw in a deep breath, and for a moment, I know I’ll pause.  I’ll look back at the past three years, and think of all the time I’ve wasted.  And for a moment, I know I’ll mourn.  And then, with a slight smile, I’ll let out my breath and blow every last speck of my inhibitions away and let my words speak for themselves.

Until that moment, I’ll just keep doing what I’m doing.  But I know it’s coming.  I can feel it, so acutely, that sometimes it’s almost painful.  But the knowledge of what awaits me on the other side is enough to keep me going.  One day I’ll overcome this obstacle as well, and then there will be no holding me back.

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